Goal Setting Part 1: The Only New Year's Resolution That *Really ...

Did you enjoy your holiday kicking back on the lawn chair? Good, because now that it?s the beginning of a new year, it?s time to get off your *ahem* and start goal setting!

(Actually, progress is best made with a balance of goal setting and getting, and lawn chair resting throughout the year?more on that in a minute.)

Since the new year is a time of new beginnings, now is a great time to set your goals for 2013 and beyond. Many people set new year?s resolutions, vowing to making this year different. I imagine you have a few things you?d like to be different this time around as well.

Unfortunately, the odds are not favorable. The majority of new year?s resolutions don?t make it past January; and many of us ?fall off the wagon? within a week! How many times have you set new year?s resolutions that you actually kept in the long term? Forget keeping resolutions through February?I often used to forget what my resolutions even were by February! Been there?

Of course, that doesn?t mean you should ?resolve to have no resolutions,? as many people joke and some seriously recommend. It means knowing how to make new year?s resolutions?from here on out referred to as goals?that you can actually stick to.

Goat setting and goal-getting is an art, and a science. Whether you want to improve your health, advance your career, and finally get a good relationship (or make your current one better) ? and if you?re like me you want all of the above! ? then you?ll need to know how to go about doing it in the most effective, least stressful way.

Thus begins part 1 of a 3 part series on effective goal setting.

Part 1: The Only New Year?s Resolution That *Really* Matters:
A.k.a.: Why all of your other goals, dreams, and aspirations will either fail, or fail to make you any happier, until you?ve mastered this one thing.

Why? Because most people think that if I HAVE these things, I will get to DO these things, and then I will BE happy. Actually, it is the other way around. People who ARE (be) happy DO certain things that bring them STUFF (have).

So it comes down to knowing which direction the whole be-do-have thing works.

Happiness, feeling good about yourself, feeling at peace with yourself, getting in touch with your inherent, authentic perfection as a being?these are states of being. Incidentally, so are anger, sadness, frustration, bitterness, guilt, shame, boredom, and feeling like a failure. These states are instantly accessible: anytime, day or night, regardless of outside circumstance.

Goals, on the other hand, are specific things you?d like to do or have in the future. Such as: losing a certain amount of body fat, getting a raise, taking helicopter lessons, or going out on more dates. These are not instantly accessible. They are things that require planning to obtain (more on successfully planning them in Part 2).

To put it in more precise terms; a state = being, doing (internal process) while a goal = doing (external activity), having.

Goals do not necessarily equal states. It is simply incomprehensible to think that if ?I lost 20 pounds, I would be happy,? or, ?if I got a relationship, I would not be lonely anymore.? This is setting yourself up for failure, because either you won?t get the goal at all, or worse, you?ll get it and realize that it didn?t really bring you all the happiness you thought it would. A miserable person who loses 20 lbs is a miserable person who is 20 lbs lighter. A miserable 300 lb person who learns to embrace a happier state is a heavy, happy person.

Don?t even get me started on the Hollywood perpetuated myth that finding your soulmate will magically solve all your problems?

It?s tempting to start off the new year with long lists of resolutions, but before we can do any resolution-making and goal setting that will matter, there is one very important thing that needs to be in place: ?You must know, down to your very core, that you are already good enough, awesome, great, wonderful, beautiful, whole, and perfect. Just as you are. Right now.

If you already know this?not just in your head, but in your heart of hearts, you may skip to Part 2.

For the rest of us, here are some thoughts on why it?s so important to have this belief before proceeding with much else.

Goals are a fun, useful tool make your life better. They will not ?fix a broken you. There is no stack of cash high enough, no body sculpted enough, no lover hot enough that will fix a broken you. All the self-help books and seminars in the world won?t fix a broken you. It?s impossible for anything outside of you to fix a broken you, because you aren?t broken in the first place.

As Mark Manson says in his article on the topic, self-help will only help if you already have a fundamental belief that you are OK as a person.

??Bad-to-OK people are in it because they believe that they?re fundamentally flawed and want to fix themselves. OK-to-Great people are in it because they think they are OK, but they want to become great.
?Generally speaking, the OK-to-Great people do just that ? they go from having an average and ?OK? life and turn it into something really unique and great over the course of years?The Bad-to-OK people improve little, if at all, even after years of ?effort?. In some cases, they may even get worse.?

We are always trying to run faster, jump higher, get skinnier, earn more, have more time, more sex, more stuff, in the hopes that one day, we will achieve that elusive something.

So, if you woke up on Jan 1 thinking some version of, ?Ok, here are all the things I need to fix about my life so I can finally be happy?? Stop. Crumple up that list. Delete it. Trash it. It will be useless to you until you stop trying to fix things.

The only new year?s resolution that really matters is this: that this is the year you will finally embrace your inherent goodness, wholeness, and perfection as a being (that is, if you haven?t already). You will become an ?Ok-to-Great? person; you will believe that you are okay the way you are, and it?s all icing on the cake from here on out!

Seriously, losing a few pounds and earning a few more dollars is a piece of cake compared to this.

Before we move on, let?s define a few things:
?Goodness, in this context, conveys the idea that you are NOT bad, or that there is anything wrong with you. You may have done bad things (we all have), but you are not bad as a person.
?Wholeness, in this context, refers to the idea that you are not broken or incomplete.
?Perfection has a dictionary definition of ?corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept.? In this context, your inherent perfection is recognizing that the only ideal standard for you is you, ergo, you are perfect.

So, where do we lose our sense of inherent goodness, wholeness, and perfection? Where do we lose our belief that we are OK, and instead feel empty and broken?

If you?ll let me get all ?conspiracy-theorist? on you for a minute, you are surrounded by people who are trying to sell you stuff, and one of the most effective ways to sell you stuff is to make you feel bad about yourself.

This idea that you have to have a certain job, or a certain kind of relationship, or a certain kind of body?let?s just call it status?the idea that you need to have status to be good, whole, and/or perfect is a L-I-E.

Yes, it?s a lie that a lot of people have bought into, but just because lots of people believe it, that doesn?t make it true. Most people think that status comes from having *stuff,* which is great news for the marketing team, because that means they?ve done their job well.

By the way, I?m not really anti-marketing or anti-advertising. It is how we learn about certain things that are useful and make our lives better; but there is a big difference between ?Wow, my iPhone5 really makes certain things easier and more entertaining,? and ?I need an iPhone5 because having one makes me cool!?

Even if you?re not buying into the idea that you need certain products, most of us buy into the ideas that come from friends, family, and other people we look up to. I spent a good portion of my adult life thus far doing things that I hoped would turn a few people?s judgemental comments into praise (?But if they could just see..., then maybe??).

It all comes down to seeking approval from outside sources. Sometimes it is useful to have outside validation of your ability in certain skills, for example, a physician can examine your body and run certain tests to see what kind of health you?re in; a teacher can give a exam to see if a student has learned the material.

However, seeking outside validation to determine how close you are to perfect is a losing battle, because:

a) No outside source will agree on one standard, and many opinions will conflict.

b) All external measurements are man-made, arbitrary standards and can?t measure anything except for what they measure. A driving test can only measure driving ability; someone could get a ?perfect score? on a driving test, because there is an ideal standard for driving, but this does not measure their character or inherent perfection as a human being.

You are the ideal standard for you, just like the original Mona Lisa?is the standard for the Mona Lisa. Anyone who tries to copy this painting has to refer to the original. Well, in this case, you ARE the original, so you are also the ideal standard you need to adhere to. Your perfection lies in your authenticity.

It might seem like there are outside standards for how the ideal person should be, but again, there are way too many conflicting ideas about this for there to actually be a standard. In other words, you can either be perfectly you, or chip away at that by trying to be some outside ideal of perfection that actually doesn?t exist.

Even if you were to look at the average (the average person scores a ?16? on their XYZ Test by the age of 30), average is hardly the same thing as perfect. Seriously, why strive to be average when you can strive to be your best self? Trying to be like ?the average so-and-so? might be the most damaging form of approval seeking there is.

Many of us start off seeking the approval of parents, and teachers, mentors, then of peers and lovers (or those we wish were lovers). Some people turn to religion. Some people end up seeking the approval of a therapist, coach, or ?guru? as a way to feel like they?re *finally worthy,* but this is just replacing one outside source with another.

This is why we struggle with the idea that rest and recuperation (the lawn chair) are as important as action, movement, and achievement. This is why some people become addicted to stress. Sitting on a lawn chair probably won?t get you as much approval as moving, shaking, and doing, doing, doing; however, approval seeking will run you down, burn you out, and, worst of all, likely lead you away from achieving YOUR life?s purpose.

So what?s a hopeless approval-seeker to do? Well, luckily, now there?s a solution! For only 5 easy payments of $147.95, you can download my all new ?Ultimate Happiness and Peace of Mind Program?! Product launch 2013, yeah!

Ok, all kidding aside, ultimately, the knowledge that you are good, worthy, and perfect must come from within. Mommy, Daddy, friends, society, universities, your job, your boss, your car, your Apple products can?t give you this knowledge. Mentors, teachers, and spiritual guides might be able to point you in the right direction, but they can?t give it to you. Your partner, or future partner, cannot give it to you.

This can be a bit of a catch 22, since most people who feel unworthy, feel unworthy to grant themselves worthiness. However, by adopting a new mindset, this cycle can be broken.

Here are some of the ways to start to get in touch with your inherent perfection:
1. Notice if you feel angered by these ideas, and remember that I?m giving you nothing but compliments and encouragement, so what?s really got you upset?

2. Become aware of when you do something to gain another person?s approval. Ask yourself, ?What would happen if this person did not approve of me?? For 99% of people, the answer is ?Nothing bad would happen.? If it?s someone like your boss, then, ok, maybe you?d lose your job, so maybe you should go ahead and do that thing that will let him or her see you a little more favorably. However, this awareness will help shift the focus to ?I?m doing this to keep my job/get a promotion,? rather than, ?I?m doing this because my boss?s approval helps me feel more complete as a person.?

3. ?Meditate?on the idea that you are perfect, just the way you are. That you are the only ?ideal standard? for you, and your perfection lies in your authenticity.

*Note (and I am of course in no way speaking from personal experience here ): This might piss you off at first. You may want to cry, scream, or hit things. There might be a lot of layers of BS to wade through. There might be some indignant thoughts of, ?But it?s not fair that all those things happened to me!? You may be tempted to say ?Fuck it,? and go eat some ice cream instead. You may fall asleep. But stick it out and you?ll eventually find a moment of peace, where you feel totally perfect.

4. Don?t get pissed off when you realize that that one moment didn?t last forever, and you are not ?done.? This is a lifelong journey.

5. Become grateful for what you have, quit whining about what you don?t have. Enjoy the things that make you smile and laugh. Below is one of my favorites:

Source: http://www.artofflirting.com/goal-setting-part-1-the-only-new-years-resolution-that-really-matters

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