Commitment | artfulanxiety

While showering just now I started to compare my previous relationship to my current. Really, there is no comparison in the details ? this one suits me way better than the last ? there was just one little thing that was on my mind.

Commitment.

I?ve read various times that people who suffer from anxiety/depression are commitment phobs. Apparently, we have trouble handling it when the ball is in our court. I agree that some of us are, but it?s not because we don?t have faith in ourselves being able to handle the pressure: it?s because we are terrified that we may let other people down.?That?s why we don?t like crowds or traffic or anything where there are a number of people who might see our shortcomings.

In this case the topic of relationship commitment is foremost in my mind.

You see, I?m in a wonderful relationship with a guy I am actually friends with. Not only that, but this wonderful guy has absolutely no problem opening every part of his life up to me: friends, work, family, and even money.

Do you know how many times I?ve prayed to the relationship gods for someone like him? In my previous relationship I would always find myself thinking, ?just let me in.? He had a hard time mixing me into his life, and to speak about sharing money? No way. Actually, there was one point, when we moved in together, where he did use the word ?ours? and after 3 years of not hearing that word I was so shocked that I didn?t know what to say. From that moment on, he took that as ?she doesn?t want this to be serious.? Guess the real problem there was communication, right?

Yet, here I am, with my dreams all presented in a neat little package, and I find myself constantly wanting to put the present back on the shelf.

Now, don?t get me wrong: this doesn?t mean I don?t love the guy. I do. I really, very muchly do. But joint bank accounts and ?our? just seem to give me the willies ? and don?t even mention marriage. And sure, I?m afraid of being hurt. In all of my previous relationships I have been replaced by someone else and, although I?ve made peace with all that now, the fear does remain ? but I don?t find that fear relevant here.

Perhaps it is just the stage of life I find myself in?

I?m on the beginning of a new road. Being sick for the majority of time when you are supposed to be getting a career, making new friends, traveling, exploring, etc and so forth has meant that now is the time when I have to do all of that. If I am out of the illness woods this year, that means it?s time to follow my dreams. The only problem is, I am a very independent woman when I am well. So independent, in fact, that I only see myself in my dreams and no one else. Even though I?m in this wonderful relationship my dreams still only feature me.

Does that mean I?m not ready for any of this ?ours?? And, more importantly, do I have a case of the ?want what I can?t haves??

You know, sometimes I think I do ? but I am no naive enough to know that this is only my problem. Both men and women suffer from this. Case in point, some women become more clingy when the man is ignoring them yet they are turned off by clingy guys. It?s the same with some men too. I do find myself hovering around him more often when he?s busy with other things and when he wants to be around I shut down.

As for not being ready for ?ours? ? I think that is just because for most of my life I?ve let people do things for me, even though I?ve really wanted to do it myself. For example, when I left high school I was in love. It was honestly love-at-first-sight but neither of us did anything about it. I couldn?t get him off my mind and I wandered around hoping I would bump into him at a party or I would talk about it all so much hoping that one of my friends would call him for me. I found that really disturbing. I was out of high school, surely I could handle calling someone?

So, my best friend at the time had enough of me talking about it, so he picked up the phone and held it to me.

?Call him,? he said.

?I can?t.

?Then, I?ll call him.?

I thought he was joking. He wasn?t. When I could actually hear the ringing, I still didn?t take the receiver from him. Then, the thought crossed my mind: how much of an idiot would I look like if my friend asked him out for me? I wasn?t in primary school. Hell, I wasn?t even in high school anymore! Long story short I was the one to speak to him on the phone that day, but I wished I hadn?t dragged everyone else into it. I wish I had taken the responsibility; the commitment.

I guess that?s why I also love living by myself. If I hadn?t have gotten sick I?m not too sure if I would have jumped into moving in with my partner so quickly. NOT, I repeat, NOT because I am uncertain about our relationship, but because I have yet to discover the full scope of what I can do on my own two feet.

I guess I have to get it into my thick skull that just because I have a partner doesn?t mean everything I ever do will only be because he is there with me. I should feel privileged that at this very moment in my life I have someone who wants to share everything with me.

I am forever an enigma to myself, while I know that if I explained all this to my partner he would understand better than I ever could.

?You?re just scared,? he would reassure me. ?I will do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable but I would like to be a part of your dreams.?

Then I would stare at him and feel stupid that I ever even thought about excluded him.

Source: http://artfulanxiety.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/commitment/

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